It has taken many years, but I have finally come to a deep realization of the hidden anger I’ve had. There has been so many times that I have prayed that the cause would be revealed to me. Times that I have prayed that the anger would be removed. Now that I understand the source, I know what I need to work on.
Today is my father’s birthday (5/14. I’m so late with releasing this post). It has been at least a score since I actually knew/remembered his birthday. I get to credit my bonus Mom for the reminder (that’s a post for another day). For many years I thought that I was over the pain of him not being a constant in my life and him pushing me away and not knowing the original reason of why. I thought that I had completely forgiven him, but waking up literally in tears just from the thought of it being his birthday before opening my eyes has given me a reality check.
Knowing that he never had the chance to meet at least my oldest son kills me. I remember receiving a certified letter about claiming money that was unclaimed from an account of his. Sadly that was the way that I found out that he had passed. I recently found out that he passed away 2 years after I had my oldest son. I think that hurt even more.
What I can, now say since it has been a few months since I initially began this post, I have finally forgiven him. I can also report that not only do I have one brother back, but a total of four and the big sister I’ve always wanted. Again, a post for another day.
Delay doesn’t mean denied.